Title: Brilliant Blood, Beautiful Bones
Genre: AU, Angst
Warning: Depression, Death (of a minor character), and inaccuracies in portraying these themes.
Summary: It’s weird, wanting something you can’t have.
Author's Notes: For thekettletbh who gave me a particularly phenomenal prompt (and for me, since it’s my birthday). I hope you enjoy this fic. This fic was written for Fanfiction Day 2015.
Another important note: I don’t know much about depression, psychology, or software. Now that I’m thinking about it, I actually don’t know much about anything. Everything written here was researched to the best of my ability, but will not be perfect seeing as I have limited knowledge about these topics. Still, I tried. I sincerely apologize for any mistakes I’ve made. Know that it wasn’t my intention to hurt or offend anyone, especially those who are actually suffering from depression. Have I mentioned that I’m not claiming to know everything about mental illnesses in general? Because I really don’t know much about them. I am also not claiming to be qualified enough to be able to write an actual decent story about mental illnesses, I’m sorry.
Last note: I have to thank D, who told me my initial format was shit and helped me clean up the fic’s format, and Kalina, who very helpfully read through my draft and told me what I needed to do with the fic. They’re the absolute best. This is the most challenging fic I’ve had to write yet, and it was an absolute honor (and pleasure) to fill this prompt.
Disclaimer: I do not own Smosh. I do not make money from this.
Part eight here.
C:\T271130\IAN HECOX\C280916\RECORDS LOG
PRIVATE RECORDS – PROPERTY OF IAN HECOX, PSY.D.
RECORD LOG #9 (08/11/2020)
The use of cognitive therapy—or, more specifically, Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy—has been a good choice on my part. I believe that Anthony has made significant progress today, especially since he has figured out the cause of his guilt. Because he has figured out the underlying cause of his emotion, I was able to help him convert his irrational thought to a more rational one, though of course the result remains to be seen.
I was correct in my assumption—Anthony does have an internal locus of control. I was, however, incorrect in thinking that he was looking for some sort of sign. I suppose that’s something I would have to work on—I can’t handle future clients when I’m assuming things as important as this.
Anthony and I talked about his symptoms for a little bit. He mentioned feeling tired all the time, forgetfulness, as well as the inability to keep track of time—all of which are common symptoms of depression. Thankfully, according to him, now isn’t as bad as before, so these sessions are definitely helping him. While the healthy pinkness of his cheeks that I saw on his previous videos isn’t there yet, he’s definitely not as pale as he was during our earlier sessions. The bags under his eyes aren’t as big, either, so I assume the nightmares now aren’t as bad as the nightmares before.
While we were on the subject of then versus now, I took the time to ask him about how now is for him. He said it wasn’t as bad as before, and he told me that he was slowly piecing himself back together by making sure to track the time and going out when he felt like he could do it.
Anthony hasn’t been working for the past few months. I told him that maybe he should consider easing himself into that, as well, although I understand if it takes him longer to integrate himself back into that part of his life since it’s in that part where the loss of his best friend is most noticeable. Still, I believe slowly inserting himself back into the everyday workings of the brand he helped create will be very beneficial for him.
This session has been a success. We talked for more than an hour, which is so much more than I expected or hoped for. I hope this continues for our next sessions.
From: Joseph Reeds (firstname.lastname@example.org
To: Daniel Sohinki (email@example.com)
Subject: RE: T271130
Date: August 3, 2020
Hey, Daniel. You mentioned not having the same problem with the other therapists’ records, yeah? This makes me doubt it’s a virus. Now, I’m not saying that Dr. Hecox purposefully locked you out of his records, but it definitely is a possibility. Have you tried politely asking him if he can provide access to you once again?
If it remains a problem, I can always head over there and forcefully open his hard drive’s backdoor so we can get the files you need. Just send me an e-mail or something.
Tuesday, August 11, 2020
Blog Post #10
Talking about what it was like months ago, when Ryan dying seemed more like an idea than a reality made me realize just how much better I’ve been handling everything. Don’t get me wrong—I’m still not handling things as well as I would like, but at least I’m making some progress. Of course, I’m not the only reason why I’ve been slowly improving, so I have to at least give credit where credit is due. I have to thank Ian for being a really cool and patient therapist who never so much as lost his temper around me, and of course, I have to thank Mari and the guys for checking up on me and supporting me every step of the way.
I’m not yet recovered. I’m far from it, even, but at least I’m moving forward, right? Baby steps. I’m going to make it.
Ian suggested the possibility of me going back to work. It’s…I don’t know. I’m not really sure how I feel about it, and even though I would love going back and working with the gang, I’m just not sure if I can be in an entire video without Ryan by my side. I might go to the offices one of these days, though, although I’ll probably just approve some scripts or something. I’m definitely not ready for filming videos without him yet, but maybe I’ll be able to do some voice recordings for our cartoons. Maybe. I don’t know anything for sure yet.
After talking about Ryan, Ian and I talked about other things. Different things. It actually kind of surprised me when I looked at my watch and saw that we had been talking for two hours straight. I know I’ve said it before, but I can see myself being friends with him if only he weren’t my therapist. He’s very passionate about first person shooter games and food, and I know that if Ryan were alive, they would get along.
Of course, if Ryan were alive, I probably would never have met Ian.
Ian’s a coffee addict. Whenever I go to the observation room, he almost always has a cup of coffee with him. He’s also, as he told me before, ridiculously terrible at platformers, which I didn’t know was actually possible in real life. He says he’s had his haircut for years now, and his favorite color’s blue.
These are details that I normally won’t think twice about, but now I appreciate them for what they are—facets of Ian’s personality. It’s comforting to see the man behind the therapist, you know? I think, at the very start of this whole thing, I was imagining my therapist to be a shrink who could somehow learn your entire life story by merely glancing at you. Now that I actually know better, the fact that I know little details about Ian as well makes me feel better. It makes me feel like we’re actually friends, not a therapist and a fucked up patient with serious codependency issues with his dead best friend.
Ian (and this is something I will never tell him) is exactly my type.
I figured this out in the middle of our conversation earlier today. He’s brunette, blue-eyed, and a dog person. He’s funny, nerdy, and adorable as fuck. I can see myself possibly asking him on a date.
I can also see myself possibly getting turned down, so I guess it’s a moot point.
And anyway, he’s my therapist. I’m pretty sure dating your therapist is at least frowned upon, if not illegal, right?
August 11, 2020 (Tuesday)
It’s been clearer than ever that Anthony’s making progress, and I can’t be prouder. He’s smiling more often now, and our conversations are both longer and more enjoyable. In between serious conversations about his state of mind and his best friend, we talk about various things, things like the newest gaming console, and the Rogue movie Marvel’s talking about producing. He’s a geek, which isn’t surprising, and he’s really passionate about animal’s rights, which is.
I wish I could have known him before. It’s uncomfortable, wanting things you can’t do anything about, but they’re still good thoughts. Anthony’s the kind of guy you would be proud to introduce to your parents, although that probably applies more to lovers than to friends.
Dr. Sohinki has been trying to open my records lately. It’s making me nervous, yes, but he hasn’t done anything too drastic yet, so I haven’t done anything drastic as well. I know the records are an integral part of his study, but I just want to keep my thoughts about Anthony’s progress to myself. I don’t like the idea of Dr. Sohinki reading what is basically a compilation of my thoughts about Anthony. He asked me politely first, though, and when I refused, he had turned a startling shade of red. He’s been trying to snoop in my hard drive ever since.
I just want this study to be over. I want to get Anthony as far away from this as possible. I don’t want future researchers poring over what Anthony (and the other participants) experienced, and I definitely don’t want Anthony’s depression to be some sort of stepping stone for Dr. Sohinki’s career advancement.
I want to take Anthony far away from this place.
SG SQUAD (Joshua Ovenshire, Mari Takahashi, David Moss, Wesley Johnson, Amra Ricketts, Matt Sohinki)
9:15 PM – 06/23/2020
Joshua: guess what
Joshua: the got someone
Wes: what do you mean they got someone
Mari: Is this about the auditions? The crew the bosses wanted to form?
Joshua: @ mari yes
Joshua: @ wes what mari said
Wes: does anthony even know about this??? shouldnt he know about this????
Amra: Technically, they can do things like these and not tell him. Anthony may be the face of Smosh, but he’s technically not the owner anymore.
Matt: I’m pretty sure the fans will be pissed.
Joshua: im just hoping they wont be pissed at anthony
Mari: They won’t be pissed at Anthony. Give them some credit.
Joshua: you’re right
Amra: How many people are they planning on bringing in?
David: Last I heard, they were talking about getting at least five people.
Matt: Yeah no, that’s not a good idea.
Mari: You think?
PRIVATE RECORDS – PROPERTY OF DANIEL SOHINKI, M.D., PSY.D.
PADILLA, A. (C280916)
RECORD LOG #6 (08/05/2020)
I still can’t access Dr. Hecox’s records despite using my administrator privileges on his hard drive, so I have had to resort to watching the recordings instead. So far, I like what I’m seeing—the friendship between the therapist and client that is the basically the basis of this whole research is definitely present in Anthony’s sessions with Dr. Hecox now, and as I had predicted, it’s this friendship that allows Anthony to share more details about himself with his therapist. There’s a stark difference between his earlier sessions with Dr. Hecox and his sessions with Dr. Hecox now. Before, their sessions would barely last half an hour. Now, their latest session lasted an hour.
As happy as I am with Anthony’s progress, however, I’m still worried about my inability to access Dr. Hecox’s files. Because I can’t read his record logs, I can’t monitor his progress as a therapist, and it worries me that he might be making the wrong decisions. I’ve e-mailed Joseph about this, and he says he’ll be able to go here and fix it in a few weeks. Then again, I haven’t actually tried asking Dr. Hecox politely, so maybe that’s the way to go?
From what I can gather, Dr. Hecox has chosen to use cognitive therapy as an approach to battling Anthony’s depression. It’s not very surprising that he chose this. What is surprising, however, is the fact that he only chose this now. In one of my older record logs, I wondered why Dr. Hecox seemed to prefer humanistic therapy as opposed to cognitive therapy in helping clients with depression. Now that he switched methods, I’m more curious as to what his reasoning is. I’m also curious as to how this will affect Anthony in the course of the study—is Dr. Hecox’s decision to start with a humanistic approach before switching to a cognitive approach a more efficient way to deal help clients with depression? Then again, we might never know since the entire point of this study is to tailor sessions according to what the client needs, and no two clients are exactly alike.
I’ll have to talk to Dr. Hecox one of these days. If that doesn’t work, I might actually have to physically bring Joseph here to help me with this problem.
Part ten here.