Title: Brilliant Blood, Beautiful Bones
Genre: AU, Angst
Warning: Depression, Death (of a minor character), and inaccuracies in portraying these themes.
Summary: It’s weird, wanting something you can’t have.
Author's Notes: For thekettletbh who gave me a particularly phenomenal prompt (and for me, since it’s my birthday). I hope you enjoy this fic. This fic was written for Fanfiction Day 2015.
Another important note: I don’t know much about depression, psychology, or software. Now that I’m thinking about it, I actually don’t know much about anything. Everything written here was researched to the best of my ability, but will not be perfect seeing as I have limited knowledge about these topics. Still, I tried. I sincerely apologize for any mistakes I’ve made. Know that it wasn’t my intention to hurt or offend anyone, especially those who are actually suffering from depression. Have I mentioned that I’m not claiming to know everything about mental illnesses in general? Because I really don’t know much about them. I am also not claiming to be qualified enough to be able to write an actual decent story about mental illnesses, I’m sorry.
Last note: I have to thank D, who told me my initial format was shit and helped me clean up the fic’s format, and Kalina, who very helpfully read through my draft and told me what I needed to do with the fic. They’re the absolute best. This is the most challenging fic I’ve had to write yet, and it was an absolute honor (and pleasure) to fill this prompt.
Disclaimer: I do not own Smosh. I do not make money from this.
Part nine here.
From: Daniel Sohinki (firstname.lastname@example.org)
To: Joseph Reeds (email@example.com
Subject: RE: RE: T271130
Date: August 7, 2020
I tried asking him very politely for access to the files, but he refused to give me access. I was hoping there was just a virus in his hard drive that was stopping me from accessing the files, but I’m thinking that’s not the case. It seems like he’s purposefully keeping me out of his records, though I can’t for the life of me figure out why.
I’m going to need you here. I’ve been trying to figure out ways to get access to his hard drive, but I’ve been failing. There’s a reason why between the two of us, I chose Psychology and you chose Software Engineering and Information Technology. I’ve never been good at programming.
Do you think you can maybe find time to get over here? I want to get this looked at before Participant #15’s sessions draw to a close. I have a feeling he’ll be finished with therapy in a few more sessions or so.
Reply when you can.
C:\SCRC\SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE\INTERNAL\OBSERVATION ROOM 1\CAM3\2020.08.18\1201-2400
Hecox: You know, this is your tenth session with me.
Padilla: Are we celebrating?
Hecox: I don’t know. Do you want to? I think I can get some donuts delivered to this place or something.
Padilla: [laughs] I’m good, thanks.
Hecox: We’re probably going to have to end your sessions soon.
Padilla: I thought the whole point of this kind of therapy is that sessions aren’t timed?
Hecox: Well yeah, but I mean, you’re not going to need it pretty soon. You’ve been improving by leaps and bounds.
Padilla: Are you trying to get rid of me, Ian?
Hecox: [laughs] Never.
Hecox: Have you, uh, thought about maybe going back to work?
Padilla: I’ve been thinking about it, but nothing’s sure yet. I haven’t texted my friends either. I just don’t want to disappoint them if it turns out that I can’t do it yet.
Hecox: That’s fair.
Padilla: I thought you aren’t getting rid of me?
Hecox: [laughs] Oh shut up. You know it’s my job as both your therapist and your friend to help you do all the things you used to do. Going to work is one of those.
Padilla: I know, I know. I’m thankful for that, by the way, in case you don’t know.
Hecox: I know.
Padilla: Let’s talk about something else.
Hecox: Okay, what do you want to talk about?
Padilla: Anything. You. I just, I don’t know. We’re friends, right?
Hecox: Yeah. Of course.
Padilla: Well, I just don’t want to—I don’t know—lose contact with you. I mean, uh, yeah. You know what I mean. I know we can’t see each other outside the clinic.
Hecox: Ah, yeah. Okay, so what do you want to know?
Padilla: I don’t know, anything. If you weren’t a therapist, what do you think you would be today?
Hecox: I don’t—uh, that’s kind of a hard question.
Padilla: Just try.
Hecox: Probably, uh, a scriptwriter, or maybe an author.
Padilla: You like writing?
Hecox: Well, I haven’t tried it yet, but I love reading, and I thought maybe someday, you know, I’d get to create things myself.
Padilla: What about being a journalist?
Hecox: That’s also a possibility, although I doubt I would become one. Journalists are…strict, I guess is the word. They’re all about hard facts. I think I’m more about creativity than truth.
Padilla: That makes sense.
Hecox: What about you? If you weren’t a Youtuber, what would you be?
Padilla: It’s…hard to say. I want to say I would be a software engineer of some sort, maybe a programmer.
Padilla: Is it surprising to you?
Hecox: Yeah, kinda. You know how to code?
Padilla: I used to. I mean, I know the basics—HTML, maybe some Python, but I’m pretty rusty. When I was a kid, I spent some of my free time designing websites for small businesses. Now, I haven’t had as much time to teach myself how to code, so it’s not really surprising that I’ve forgotten a lot of what I’ve learned before.
Hecox: Did you always want to be a programmer?
Padilla: Well, I didn’t know the term for it back then yet, but I always wanted to develop my own video games, you know? I never thought of becoming a Youtuber. Then again, when I was a kid, Youtube wasn’t even created yet, so.
Hecox: Maybe one of these days we should teach ourselves those skills. I can teach myself how to write and you can teach yourself how to code. Maybe we can develop a video game together.
Padilla: I doubt it. [laughs]
Hecox: I doubt it too, honestly, but hey, we can always dream.
<COMMAND: DELETE RECORDING?>
August 18, 2020 (Tuesday)
We didn’t talk about Ryan or Anthony’s depression at all during our session. Instead, we merely talked about him and me, as well as various dreams and aspirations I never fully realized until we talked about them today.
There’s a dual relationship there that I cannot ignore any further. Despite the lack of a romantic relationship between the two of us, I can’t deny that our friendship has slowly been clouding my judgment. I should have been alarmed the moment I decided that locking Dr. Sohinki out of my records was a good thing. By sharing more than was necessary about myself and by spending this entire session talking about things that will not benefit Anthony’s progress in anyway, I’ve been violating the American Psychological Association’s code of ethics.
Then again, should I be surprised? This entire research study Dr. Sohinki is conducting is basically a violation of the code of ethics. If he really does want his therapists to be friends with their clients, then he’s asking them to form dual relationships with their clients, something that has the very big possibility of clouding their judgment and making it very difficult for them to think about their clients objectively.
Speaking of Dr. Sohinki, he has been trying even harder to access my records. I’ve been trying my best to avoid Dr. Sohinki, which isn’t as hard to do as I thought it would be. These past few days, Dr. Sohinki has been really busy. According to Melanie, Dr. Sohinki has been attending meetings and seminars, since most of the participants have been finishing their sessions with their therapists. This research study is really nearing the end. I’m wondering how I’ll be able to see Anthony outside the clinic.
The thought of possibly being something else than a therapist is refreshing. It’s not anything I thought about before, but the idea of developing a video game with Anthony is something that I really, really want.
It’s weird, wanting something you can’t have.
From: Joseph Reeds (firstname.lastname@example.org
To: Daniel Sohinki (email@example.com)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: T271130
Date: August 11, 2020
Hey man. Sorry, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go to your clinics for at least two weeks. The boss sent me and a couple of others to an important convention in Germany. I would give you instructions on how to pry open his hard drive, but we both know just how shit you are at programming, so I won’t bother.
I’m really, really sorry. I’ll be there before you know it, though.
Tuesday, August 18, 2020
Blog Post #11
I’m an idiot.
I spent the entire session talking to Ian about everything except Ryan and my depression. Instead of talking about why I needed the sessions with him in the first place, I talked to him about things that I’m not exactly sure I should know. Surely there has to be some kind of rule against clients knowing their therapist’s personal stuff. I know I read somewhere that therapists should be professional with their clients, and this is definitely way past professional.
Ian’s…something. I don’t know. He makes me want to do things again. He makes me want to be a better person. And, fuck, maybe this is because he’s my therapist and he knows my vulnerable shit, but I feel like…there’s something between us.
I sound like such a teenage girl.
I can’t date him. I know that much, at least. But maybe…maybe once he’s not my therapist, I’ll be able to ask him out on a date?
What the fuck did I get myself into?
SG SQUAD (Joshua Ovenshire, Mari Takahashi, David Moss, Wesley Johnson, Amra Ricketts, Matt Sohinki)
10:17 PM – 07/08/2020
David: Did you guys see the new crew?
Amra: They got people already?
Matt: Does Anthony know?
Joshua: probably not
Mari: Great. Awesome.
Matt: Hey, but Anthony’s doing therapy sessions now, though. He’ll probably be back in a month or two.
Joshua: as much as i want anthony back, i want him to get better more. i don’t want to suddenly expose him to stress
Mari: I agree. I think we should just deal with this as much as we can. I don’t want to call Anthony in when he’s still not okay.
Matt: Okay. That sounds fair.
C:\T271130\IAN HECOX\C280916\RECORDS LOG
PRIVATE RECORDS – PROPERTY OF IAN HECOX, PSY.D.
RECORD LOG #10 (08/18/2020)
Anthony’s symptoms have been fading in time, and today, I can almost say that Anthony’s back to his previous self. I know that it’s pretentious to claim that merely ten sessions have made Anthony the way he is today, so I’m not going to do that. What I am going to do is give credit where credit is due: I know Anthony has been slowly helping himself, finding the energy to do the things he more or less stopped doing when his depression was extremely bad.
There are definitely still some more issues to address. Coping with loss is a long process that I am willing to help him with, so even though he’s definitely better than before, I do not feel comfortable stopping our sessions, not when I know there are still some things we need to talk about.
It won’t be long until Anthony will stop needing therapy sessions with me.
I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Part eleven here.